Democrats, one and all, fellow members of the political class, office seekers, inside traders….and also you Bernie delegates, who I will patronize shortly.

It seems only a short time ago when I stood in my family log cabin in Scranton. You know, we were so poor that even our log cabin did not have logs. It was made out of popsicle sticks given to us by a bi-cultural and bi-racial lesbian couple who lived next to us. I was always supportive of them, despite the fact others were not. That’s just the way I was brought up.

Anyway, back in Scranton, by golly we were poor. So poor that my Dad, God bless him, would come home each night, generally drunk and after having screwed the wife of the bus-driver next door. Anyway, he would come home and lay on the couch, until one night when he said, we have to get the hell out of here…..I think the bus driver is on to me. So, we left, and I went to Catholic school and messed around a bit until I got into the Senate, when was it, yeah, back in 1974.

And let me tell you we should impeach President Nixon……oh, wait, yeah, it’s not 1974 anymore….just a kiddin, just a kiddin. That’s me, the boy from Scranton. Geez I learned a lot from my Dad. Hey, what about those Orioles…..this is going to be their year.

Now, would someone turn down their record player. I can’t hear myself think. Okay, here we go.

I , after 32 years of trying, finally…..my God this has been a long time in coming…..I accept your nomination for President. Wow, I’m going to be President. That’s big man….real big.

You know I could have had this last time, but Barack said, no, let Hillary have it. Okay, I did and what did we get. That bitch couldn’t even beat Donald Trump. I could have and just think about it. I would be President now and most of you would have plum jobs. So there….are you happy assholes !

But here we are and let’s get along. Did I tell you the story of the time I said to the guy…..I forget his name….down the street. Hey, buddy, need a job. Well then vote for Joe, yeah, me. Joe Biden.

My Mom , man she could make good bread. We were so poor; did I tell you how poor we were. Well, she would give me that bread to sell on the street. She wouldn’t even let me eat it. I had to sell it all. You know what I got to eat: oatmeal; yeah, that gruel but let me tell you….it built character.

I ‘m so glad to be here in…ah, yeah, here in….right……anyway, I’m at where I’m at and you’re here to….right? That’s where we’re at and that’s all we need to know…right. I like it when we’re on the same page. Speaking of which, I read a book last week.

Now, let me say this. We’re taking America back….back for you and back for me. It’s coming our way baby and we’re taking it.

Donald Trump….look out….I’m coming, and you better know it. Do you know it…..well, do you.

I remember when Pete endorsed me. I thought , geez, you’re a young good looking guy, you could get any woman you wanted. Why are you sexing up with a man. Like, man, do you really think we would have voted for a man married to a man? Come on boy….get with it. But, that said, thank you for your endorsement.

Amy, God bless you……now…..but not before when you opposed me. Hey, lady, those were tough words. I’m not forgetting them.

You know, when I wrote most of the Constitution and Bill of Rights, I said to those guys in the Senate, hey, guys, I can write good. And those bills. I wrote all of the good ones for like 40 years. Amy, you didn’t write any. But thank you for your support.

Now, oh yeah, Bernie….you old nutjob you….I love you guy. You’re my type of guy. You have been in politics for like 50 years. I know, I know….unlike me you did nothing worthwhile in all of those years but , hey, man, you energized a lot of people. Especially those hot young Hispanic babes. Man, I’d like them on my team.

Thank you Barack Obama. I know you didn’t want me to succeed you but I’m here now, 4 years late, but here.

At 78 I represent the future we want, and I have lots of ideas. Lots and lots of them. All kinds.

So, let’s pull together and beat that President Nixon…., I mean Bush….yeah, man , let’s do it.